Hello World!

It feels like I've been transitioning for ages. This is because I have. Like every other trans person I've known I'm trans since I can first remember. It took a long time to realise that there were other transpeople out there, and then the people I first became aware of were all M2F. I thought I was unique and alone. It took longer to realise there were other F2Ms, and that it was also possible for us to transition. There are much fewer of us, and I don't really know any others (say hi if you happen to find this blog!). It took even longer to ask for help; I was in my late 30s when I finally did. Every step was hard to take. Seeing a psychiatrist who dealt with dysophoria and openly talking about it for the first time was hard, but alsostrangely affirming. There was little doubt about the diagnosis. My GP at the time refused to prescribe anything to help (they said they would pray for me instead, as I needed the type of help they couldn't give). I complained to the local Health Authority and was switched to another GP who was prepared to help. That was my first full on encounter with transphobia. Unpleasant.



I've been on testoesterone for more than 10 years now. First as pills, then as a gel so that I could control the dose. I know most guys are on injection and that they work much faster, but there are reasons for this. I am scared of transitioning and declaring my hand. I am worried about all the crap and trouble that will come with it. As an alternative I've been slowly masculinising, creeping towards the edge. If truth be told I could live with being an androgynous person, you get some crap but nothing like the full on transhate I see and hear. Most of the changes I have experienced on T have been physchological. My brain chemistry is much more balanced and level; I am much happier within myself and at ease with who I am. There were physical changes as well - perhaps the most important to me was stopping menstruation, and finally watching my body start to conform to something I feel much more comfortable with. I had top surgery early on as well as that was a realproblem area, and it was another great relief.

Following that I've been happy enough to be in a holding pattern - more comfortable with myself, the dysphoria under control and just getting on with my life. I've stayed on the same low dose of T and watched with interest and excitement as changes slowly trickle through. My voice has dropped a little, and over time dark hair has emerged on my belly, shoulders and most recently it's begun to appear on my chest as well. There is some facial hair that I have to shave each morning. Enough to grow a bad goatee, which is not that much of an achievement after 10+ years on T. I've let the bad goatee grow at weekends and when I'm on holiday to see just how bad it is; it's fundamentally unconvincing. More recently elements of beard have started to fill in unevenly on my neck and cheeks which gives me hope that one day I may be able to manage some form of facial hair. I have always wanted a beard.

I do get called 'Sir' quite a lot by strangers in shops and other places, it always cheers me up and puts a spring in my step. I've been challenged in ladies toilets occassionally but am still nervous of venturing into the gents, I don't yet think I can consistently pass. More recently I have been working out, trying to lose some weight (and the unwanted curves that gives me) and build up muscles in my shoulders and chest to get closer to a reasonable male form, that's starting to work but there is still quite a way to go.

In recent months it feels like the changes have accelerated. I'm now clearly on a trajectory where I expect to move beyond androgynous to fully male. At some point in the not too distant future  I'll have to do all the legal stuff to affirm that I am Luke, and then deal with all the fallout that brings. I'm both excited and terrified.